Why can’t I leave my toxic relationship?
The decision to leave a relationship can be a difficult one, even when that relationship is unhealthy. Many of us find ourselves staying in relationships where abuse, neglect, or other negative behaviors are present, even when we know on some level that we would be better off leaving. But it’s just so hard to say goodbye. It becomes even harder when others around us tell us to just leave or when we can’t openly talk about the relationship if our friends or family members. They do not understand or they make us feel even worse than we already do. Relationships are an essential part of our lives, and they can bring joy, fulfillment, and support. However, not all relationships are healthy, and many individuals find themselves stuck in a relationship that is harmful or unhealthy.
In an unhealthy relationship?
There is a difference between being lonely vs being alone. The fear of being alone is one of the reason the prevents us from leaving toxic relationships.
Why do we stay in toxic relationships?
One of the primary reasons why we stay in unhealthy relationships is fear. Fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear of being judged or criticized, fear of losing financial stability, or even custody of children are all common fears that can keeps us trapped in a toxic relationship. We believe that it's better to stay in an unhealthy relationship than to risk being alone or starting over from scratch. This is especially true for those of us who have been in the relationship for a long time. We feel that we have invested too much time, energy, and emotion into the relationship to simply walk away.
Having low self-esteem is another reason that makes us stay in an unhealthy relationship. We believe that don't deserve to be treated better or that we won't be able to find someone who will treat us with respect and love. We sometimes blame ourselves for our partner’s negative behaviours, saying “I deserve this” or “I did this”. This type of thinking only leads to the cycle of accepting mistreatment, settling for less than what we deserve, feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and being stuck.
Codependency is another factor that can keep us in an unhealthy relationship.
What exactly is codependency? Codependency is a pattern of behavior where one person in the relationship enables the other person's unhealthy behavior.
Example: A woman remains in an abusive relationship thinking that her love and affection will make her husband change. She puts him first, and ignores her needs, thinking she is helping him by “being there” for him.
Codependency can create a sense of emotional attachment and dependency, where the individual may feel that they can't live without the other person, even if the relationship is harmful. If you are in a codependent relationship you may find it difficult to set boundaries or assert your own needs.
Our sense of duty or obligation, family and societal pressure can also play a role in why we stay in unhealthy relationships. Many people feel a sense of responsibility towards their partner, particularly if they have been together for a long time or have children together. This sense of duty can manifest in several ways, such as feeling obligated to "fix" the relationship, to support a partner who is struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues, or to stay in the relationship because of cultural or religious beliefs. In some cultures, divorce or leaving a relationship is stigmatized, and we may feel pressured to stay in the relationship to avoid social stigma or criticism from our family or community. We could feel guilt or be shamed for leaving a relationship, which leads us to believe that we are better off staying in the unhealthy relationship than facing the judgment of others.
Some people may stay in unhealthy relationships because of the belief that things will get better. This can be particularly true if the unhealthy behaviors in the relationship have not always been present, or if there have been periods of time when things seemed to improve. We believe that our partner will change, or because we are holding onto a sense of hope or optimism. Unfortunately, this belief can sometimes be misguided, particularly if the unhealthy behaviors have been present for a long period of time or if the partner has not shown a willingness to change.
Lastly, individuals who have experienced trauma or abuse in their childhood or previous relationships may be more likely to stay in unhealthy relationships. This can be due to a variety of reasons, including a fear of abandonment, a lack of trust in others, and a pattern of accepting mistreatment as normal. Trauma can also impact a person's ability to recognize healthy relationship patterns, leading them to repeat the cycle of abuse in subsequent relationships.
Some few steps to getting ready to leave a toxic relationship
1. Have a plan. Some of the things to consider are: Where will you go? Your support? Money? Are children involved? Important documents and numbers?
2. Improve your self-esteem. Ask questions about yourself. “What do I like?”, “What are my interests?” And engage in things you like that bring you joy. Once you start doing things for yourself, you won’t feel guilt or ashamed of putting yourself first.
3. Take care of your need first before taking care of someone else’s needs. You putting your needs first does not mean you don’t care about the other person. It means you are caring for your well-being first until you are in a stronger position to help the other person.
4. Educate others and ask for other’s support. While in certain cultures it is true that we have an obligation to remain in certain relationship, but as humans, it is also true that we tend to think about the worst case scenario possible. This false belief is what holds us back to leaving a toxic relationship and make a positive change in our life.
5. Do not stay in a relationship because of someone’s potential. You are in a relationship with a person in the present time. This also includes their present manners, habits, behaviours, etc.
There are many reasons why people may choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship, despite the negative consequences. These reasons can be complex and may reflect a range of individual, cultural, and social factors.
But feeling lonely and hopeless in an unhealthy relationship is much worse than actually being alone. There is a difference between being lonely and being alone.
If you or someone you know is in an unhealthy relationship, it is important to seek help and support. This may include reaching out to a trusted friend or family member, seeking counseling or therapy, or contacting a domestic violence hotline or other support organization.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. She is a relationship and relational trauma therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. She uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help her clients.
Thinking of Therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.