Is your parent a narcissist? How to cope with a narcissistic parent
According to Dr. Dan Siegel, a professor of psychiatry at UCLA, a parent is suppose to make a child feel safe, seen, secure, and soothed. But that’s not always possible as parent-child relationships can be challenging under any circumstances. However, when a parent exhibits narcissistic traits or behaviors, the challenges can be amplified, leading to emotional turmoil, self-doubt, and confusion for the child.
In this blog post, we'll explore what it means to have a narcissistic parent, how to recognize the signs, and most importantly, strategies for coping and healing from the impact of narcissistic parenting.
Understanding Narcissistic Parenting
Narcissistic parenting is characterized by a parent's excessive need for admiration, lack of empathy, and tendency to prioritize their own needs and desires above those of their children. These parents often seek validation and attention from their children, viewing them as extensions of themselves rather than individuals with their own autonomy and identity. They may engage in manipulative or controlling behaviors, dismiss their children's feelings and experiences, and exhibit a sense of entitlement in their interactions with them.
Recognizing the Signs
Identifying narcissistic parenting can be challenging, especially for those who have grown up accustomed to these patterns of behavior. As a child, you may have thought that this behaviour is “normal” but as you have grown older, you may have realized that this is not how a relationship should be like. However, there are common signs and red flags that may indicate you have a parent who is narcissistic:
Lack of Empathy: Narcissistic parents often show little empathy or understanding towards their children's feelings and needs. They may minimize or dismiss your emotions, leaving you feeling invalidated and unheard. And if you ever try to address the issue or their behaviour, you will be met with denial or the line: “I’m a terrible mother”.
Manipulative Behavior: Narcissistic parents may use manipulation tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to control you and maintain power and dominance in the relationship. This can be in the form of crying/ having outburst, anger, silent treatment, passive aggressiveness.
Constant Need for Validation: Narcissistic parents crave constant admiration and validation from you, seeking to bolster their own self-esteem at the expense of your well-being. You doing well in school means they can show off to other people about how great of a parent they are. But the minute you do something that they do not want, they become harsh and critical of you.
Boundary Violations: Narcissistic parents may have difficulty respecting your boundaries, invading your privacy, and exerting control over every aspect of your lives. This can include telling you what friends to have, what medications to take, who to date/not to date etc. No matter how much boundaries you set or how firm you are, they will keep pushing you.
Some narcissistic parents can also meet the traits for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Someone with NPD means someone has enough narcissistic traits that they have been diagnosed with it. Regardless, whether someone has the traits or been diagnosed with it, means that it is their personality.
Coping Strategies
Coping with a narcissistic parent can be an ongoing journey, but there are strategies that can help you navigate the challenges and protect your emotional well-being:
Establish Boundaries: Setting clear and firm boundaries with the narcissistic parent is important for protecting yourself from your narcissistic parent’s manipulative tactics and maintaining a sense of autonomy. This may involve limiting contact, asserting boundaries around topics of conversation, and prioritizing self-care. When setting boundaries, expect pushback. But don’t give in and keep standing your ground. At times, you may feel like it’s easier to give in. But the moment you give in, it becomes harder to set those boundaries back.
Seek Support: Seeking support from friends, family members, or a therapist can provide validation, perspective, and guidance in navigating the complexities of a narcissistic parent-child relationship. While it is important to seek support, you may feel embarrassed to talk about it with others. Therapy can offer a safe space to process emotions, develop coping strategies, and heal from past trauma.
Focus on Self-Care: Prioritizing self-care activities such as exercise, mindfulness, hobbies, and spending time with supportive individuals can help individuals replenish your energy, reduce stress, and nurture your emotional well-being. This will make you realize what is a healthy relationship and what isn’t.
Practice Detachment: Learning to detach emotionally from the narcissistic parent's behavior can help you maintain a sense of inner peace and resilience. This may involve reframing negative thoughts, practicing mindfulness, and focusing on aspects of life that are within your control.
Healing and Growth
Healing from the impact of narcissistic parenting is a deeply personal and transformative journey. While the effects of narcissistic parenting can be profound and long-lasting, it is possible to heal, reclaim one's sense of self, and cultivate healthier relationships. Some key steps in the healing process include:
Self-Exploration: Engaging in self-reflection and exploration can help you gain insight into how your upbringing has influenced your beliefs, behaviors, and relationships. Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore past experiences, identify patterns, and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
Reclaiming Power: Recognizing and reclaiming your power and agency is essential for healing from the effects of narcissistic parenting. This may involve challenging internalized beliefs of unworthiness or inadequacy, setting healthy boundaries, and asserting your needs and desires.
Building Resilience: Cultivating resilience is key to overcoming the challenges of narcissistic parenting and thriving despite adversity. This may involve developing coping skills, fostering self-compassion, and cultivating a supportive network of relationships.
Forgiveness and Letting Go: Forgiving the narcissistic parent and releasing resentment and anger can be a liberating and empowering step in the healing process. However, forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing their behavior but rather freeing oneself from the burden of carrying negative emotions.
Cultivating Meaning and Purpose: Finding meaning and purpose in life beyond the confines of the narcissistic parent-child relationship is essential for moving forward and creating a fulfilling and meaningful life. This may involve pursuing passions and interests, setting goals, and connecting with a sense of purpose that resonates with one's values and aspirations.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. She is a relationship and relational trauma therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. She uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help her clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.