Why does my partner always get defensive?
No relationship is smooth sailing. There are always bumps along the way. But one of the biggest challenge in a relationship is when you are talking, asking question, or trying to get your point across, and your partner gets defensive right away. Their defensive wall goes up and they are automatically thinking that you are attacking them. You probably are coming into the conversation with your sword down or having pause the reset button, but your partner does not see it that way.
Here’s why your partner is getting defensive and what you can do to help the situation. However, this does not mean that it is all your responsibility to fix the relationship!
There are more negative emotions than positive emotions
Whenever a fight or conflict is not resolved and swept under the rug, it lingers. It may not be today or tomorrow, but the issue will come up again down the road. Another thing happens when fight is not resolved, is that negative emotions starts to build up in the relationship.
These negative emotions can show up as anger, frustration, or resentment. And if negative emotion starts pilling up from multiple unresolved issues, that is all that is left in the relationship; more negative emotions less positive emotions. This is what the Gottman’s couples therapists call negative sentiment override. Essentially this means that negative emotions take over that there are less positive emotions in the relationship.
An example of what that looks like in a relationship is that when you tell your partner if they can do the dishes, even though you’re coming at it from completely neutral stance, your partner is remembering all the other times you asked him to do the dishes which turned into an argument.
One way you can work on negatives sentiment override is to increase increasing positive emotion. Research has shown for every negative emotion or conflict there needs to be five positive emotions or repair attempt. A repair attempt can look like saying sorry, taking responsibility for your role in the argument, showing affection, making joke or using humour, being able to validate your partner’s feelings etc.
Your partner is stuck on the past patterns
Another reason why your partner is getting defensive is because they are stuck on the past patterns and experiences that has been happening within the relationship. Even though, now, you are working on yourself either attending therapy or working on you communication skills, your partner may not see it that way. If for the past 5 years you and your partner are handling situations in an unhealthy way, it’s hard for them to see it differently when you decide to work on the relationship just 1 month ago.
If you feel that this is happening, it’s important as you communicate to your partner that you are coming from a neutral stance and that you are trying your best in making changes to how you communicating.
Your partner can’t take responsibility
Another reason why your partner may be getting defensive is because of their inability to take responsibility. When someone takes responsibility for their actions in other words they are saying “I was wrong” and “I shouldn’t have done or said that”. A lot of people don’t like taking responsibility because it makes them feel inferior or smaller. They may have the perception that it will lower their self-esteem. If this is what is happening, remember that you are not responsible to fix someone else’s perception of themselves, neither it is an excuse for their action of taking a lack of responsibility.
But here is what you can do on your end…
If you are in a relationship where your partner is unable to take responsibility, try to understand where they are coming. Whether is it from past trauma or past issues in previous relationships, you can show your efforts by understanding why they are unable to take responsibility, communicating and validating them.
This does not mean that you agree with them getting defensive. This just shows that you are willing to understand them.
A couple is always two people. There’s always something that you can change within yourself that will help the relationship. But change should also come from your partner on your end. If you are working on your communication, your partner should also be putting an effort into getting less defensive and being able to take more responsibility. If not, that is how resentment builds.
Why does your partner get defensive?
Past relational trauma
Low self-esteem
Lack healthy ways of communication
Stuck on old unhealthy patterns
Can’t take responsibility
Here are some things you can do to handle a defensive partner.
Use I-statements. Avoid “you” statements. Instead of saying “you don’t spend enough time with me”, try saying “I miss not having ‘us’ time”. Instead of saying “you said xyz”, say “I heard you say xyz”. Starting your statements with “I” helps your partner not feel attacked.
Create a safe space for them. If you are looking for your partner to say they are sorry, create the space where they can be vulnerable. Your partner should be able to apologize and make a repair without worrying it will be used against them in the future.
Pick the right time to bring things up. Picking the right time to bring up an issue can make a lot of difference. If your partner is already stressed about something, they are more likely to get defensive.
When you are not fighting, ask your partner how they would like to receive criticisms. They would be more willing and open for discussions.
Seek professional help. A couples therapist can help you create ways to have healthy communication and get better at managing conflict. If your partner has gone through relational trauma in the past, a therapist is required to help you both work through this.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. She is a relationship and relational trauma therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. She uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help her clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.