Why do we enter one bad relationship after the other?
Because it is familiar!
Let’s unromanticize fast, crazy, roller-coaster emotions in relationships.
Picture this, you’ve just broken up with someone who, surprise surprise, turned out to be a wrong fit. You’re left wondering why you keep repeating the same cycle. The previous people you dated were the same. In all your previous relationships, you were anxious, felt like they didn’t really get you, or didn’t find a connection.
We enter bad relationships after the other because that’s what we know. The feelings these relationships and people make us feel are comforting. Even though it may be unhealthy or you’d call it a “toxic relationship”, we gravitate towards what is familiar even though it is bad. What also happen is that in the dating phase you are seeing those red flags, or maybe you are subconciously avoiding it, because you have hope and being optimistic. We convince ourselves that this person will turn out to be great.
The fear of being alone also makes us rush into relationships. Instead of vetting out people and choosing who is right for us, the idea of being alone can be scarier that being in another toxic relationship. We tell ourselves that “I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship”, but during the dating phase when you are getting a taste of relationships, that saying can be hard to abide to.
Along with familiarity, we enter bad relationships because a good relationship is boring to us. When clients tell me this, I tell them to give it time. A good and healthy relationship feels boring. There is no roller coaster of emotions, and the good is no longer so good and the bad is not longer very bad. A healthy and normal relationship is suppose to be stable. Unfortunately for us, we are so used to being in roller coaster of emotions and something otherwise feels boring or we mistake it as a lack of connection.
For women especially, how many of you read romatic books or watch romantic movies? Characters like “Christian Grey” or “Massimo”, make us crave relationships and intimacy like that. These books and movies make us fantisize relationships like that. But the truth is, real life relationships are far from that. That’s just fiction. In real life relationships, we have normal jobs, kids to take care of, we’re stressing about money, issues with parents and in-laws, etc. Keep in mind that books and movies that romantizes these relationships are not real aka, like their genre, they are just fiction.
This also does not work in our favor when we are surrounded by social media and societal pressures to be in a relationship. Society bombards us with images of “perfect” relatiosnhips. So in our fast, crazy, and emotional relationship we mistake it as love. Did you know that being anxious and being excited produces that same neurological chemical in our brain? Well here is the reason we mistake an unhealthy relationship for love.
Sometimes we enter bad relationship one after the other because we have not learned out lesson yet. You have not learned to put yourself first yet. We prioritize finding love over loving ourselves. It all starts with us and the relationship we have with ourselves. We forget that self-love is the foundation of healthy relationship and focus on finding someon who will love us instead. We mistake that someone else loving us make us feel whole and validated. While that is true, so is self- love. Until we truly love ourselves, we are going to keep attacting partners who can’t love us either. Once you know your self-worth and know what you deserve, you will not settle for less.
Another reason we enter bad relationships after one another, is because that is the majority of the people that is left in the dating pool (or in the circle of people you are meeting). Healthy and secure people are in healthy and secure relationships. In the book “Attached” by Levine and Heller, they states and anxious attachment people tend to meet avoidant people because the secure ones are taken. While this is not your fault, one way you can gain control over this is by knowing what you want in a relationship and not settling for less.
Another reason that is also not our fault, is our relationship is our parents and caregivers. If you parents were emotionally neglectful, invalidating, or did not create a safe and unhealthy environment for you, most likely in adulthood you are choosing the wrong people for you. Because that is all you know and aware of. While it’s not your fault, unfortunately for many of us, our past relationship with our parents affects our relationships as an adult.
Here are a few steps you can start taking to break this pattern.
1. Be clear with your boundaries. Make a list of what you want in a relationship and stick to it. Don’t write about height, built or hair color. Make it realistic and meaningful. Such as: they are willing to listen and hear you out, they are respectful and caring, they are not talking about their exes on the date, they don’t call you names, they can communicate their feelings and not get defensive etc.
2. Breaking the cycle requires self-awareness. If you are reading this, this means you are aware of this pattern. Now that you know, you can put it into action and consciously choose a different path.
3. Work on yourself. Do you have issues or past trauma that needs processing and healing? Invest the time and money in therapy. Because you have worked on yourself, you would want someone who has worked on themselves too. Do you know most people who are in a relationship with a narcissist tend to have self-esteem issues? People who are narcissist, have a radar for people with low self-esteem. So when someone comes along and says the right words and lovebombs you, we get hooked in quickly. So working on yourself, such as improving your self-esteem, healing from past trauma, being content with yourself, etc helps you to see pass the facade people create.
4. Listen to your friends and your gut feelings. Our gut feelings are almost never wrong. Our good friends can also help us see things objectively. If you are still unsure, a relationship therapist are the most objective people you will meet.
5. Be willing to wait. Waiting is hard. While you see others being in a loving relationship, you are craving it too. But have the patience to wait for the person that makes you feel stable, secured, and safe. In the meantime, while waiting, work on loving yourself and focus on your self-growth. This will come in handy when you are in a healthy relationship.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. She is a relationship and relational trauma therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. She uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help her clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.