How to move from Anxious Attachment to Secure Attachment
Attachment styles are shaped by early relationships and experiences with our caregivers and influences how we connect with others throughout life. If you have an anxious attachment, you may have a fear of abandonment, have difficulty managing negative emotions, and a tendency to seek constant reassurance. However, with intentional effort and self-awareness, it's possible to move toward a more secure attachment style which is filled with healthier communication, trust, and emotional regulation.
Understanding Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment often:
Fear rejection or abandonment.
Crave closeness but can become overwhelmed by emotional ups and downs.
Experience intense worry about their relationships.
Seek validation and reassurance to feel secure.
Feel like you have to resolve a fight right away.
This attachment style often stems from inconsistent caregiving during childhood, where emotional needs were sometimes met and sometimes ignored. The unpredictability fosters a hypervigilant approach to relationships.
One thing to remember is that while you couldn’t control your parents or caregivers inconsistent ways of meeting your needs, which led to you having anxious attachment, your adult relationship does not have to be that way. If your partner now is also inconsistent in meeting your emotional needs, this can lead or maintain the anxious attachment.
What Does Secure Attachment Look Like?
Moving toward secure attachment involves developing key skills and mindsets:
Trust and Emotional Safety:
Confidence that loved ones will be there during tough times.
A belief that conflicts or disagreements do not mean the relationship is doomed.
Self-Regulation of Emotions:
Ability to manage emotional reactions without needing constant reassurance.
Reduced fear of being alone or rejected.
Balanced Independence and Interdependence:
Comfort with both closeness and autonomy.
The ability to enjoy relationships without becoming emotionally enmeshed.
Effective Communication:
Clear expression of feelings and needs without defensiveness.
Open listening to the perspectives of others.
Healthy Boundaries:
Understanding personal limits and expressing them without guilt.
Respect for others' boundaries as well.
How to Move Toward Secure Attachment
Build Awareness of Patterns Start by noticing how you react in relationships. Are you seeking excessive reassurance? Do you interpret neutral events as signs of rejection? Understanding these patterns is the first step toward change.
Challenge Negative Beliefs Anxious attachment often involves beliefs such as, “If I don’t constantly check in, this person will leave me.” Replace these thoughts with more balanced perspectives, such as, “Healthy relationships do not require constant reassurance.”
Practice Emotional Regulation Techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or grounding exercises can help reduce anxiety in moments of distress.
Strengthen Self-Worth Build self-compassion and internal validation by celebrating personal strengths and successes. Journaling about positive aspects of yourself can reinforce your value independent of others' approval.
Develop Secure Relationships Seek out relationships with people who are consistent, supportive, and communicative. Surrounding yourself with secure individuals can help retrain your attachment responses.
Communicate Directly Practice expressing needs clearly without guilt or defensiveness. For example, instead of saying, “Why didn’t you text me back?” try, “I felt anxious when I didn’t hear from you; I’d appreciate a heads-up if you're busy.”
Therapeutic Support Therapy can provide a safe space to explore attachment wounds and develop healthier relational patterns.
Signs You’re Becoming More Securely Attached
Less Need for Reassurance: You trust your relationships without constant validation.
Comfort with Time Alone: You enjoy solitude and don’t see it as a sign of rejection.
Healthier Conflict Resolution: You navigate disagreements with a sense of curiosity rather than panic.
Balanced Emotional Expression: You share emotions openly while respecting the emotional space of others.
Increased Relationship Satisfaction: Your relationships feel stable, fulfilling, and mutually supportive.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. Her and her team are relationship and relational trauma therapists who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. Her team uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help their clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.