Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: What Actually Helps Children Heal
When we work with adults navigating separation, divorce, and high-conflict parenting dynamics, I often hear clients say:
“I know I should be co-parenting, but every interaction leaves me feeling anxious”
This tension between what we’re told is “best for the child” and what feels emotionally unsafe, is where many parents get stuck. Co-parenting is not inherently healthier than parallel parenting. The healthiest model is the one that reduces relational harm and supports emotional stability for the child.
Let’s talk about the difference.
The Question I Ask First
Before recommending co-parenting or parallel parenting, I ask parents one central question:
“What happens in your body after you interact with the other parent?” Do you feel grounded and clear? Or tense, ruminative, flooded, or emotionally depleted? Your nervous system response is not incidental, it’s diagnostic.
Children don’t just respond to parenting strategies. They respond to regulated or dysregulated caregivers. A parenting model that repeatedly overwhelms one parent’s nervous system often creates more harm than benefit.
Co-Parenting: When It Works and When It Quietly Fails
Co-parenting assumes a shared emotional baseline:
Mutual respect
Capacity for repair
Willingness to prioritize the child over ego or control
In my clinical experience, co-parenting works best when both parents can tolerate discomfort without retaliating.
However, co-parenting quietly fails when:
One parent needs to “win”
Communication becomes a platform for control or criticism
Flexibility is used selectively
Agreements are repeatedly renegotiated or undermined
In these cases, co-parenting doesn’t reduce conflict, it keeps the nervous system in a constant state of vigilance. Children pick up on this, even when adults believe they’re “keeping things civil.”
Parallel Parenting: A Model of Containment, Not Discornnection
Parallel parenting is often misunderstood as cold, rigid, or emotionally distant. In reality, it is a containment strategy, one that limits opportunities for harm while preserving the child’s relationship with both parents.
From a therapeutic lens, parallel parenting:
Reduces exposure to chronic conflict
Supports predictability
Allows each parent to regulate independently
Creates emotional safety through structure
Parallel parenting is especially effective when one or both parents struggle with:
Emotional reactivity
Boundary respect
Accountability
Empathy during conflict
This is not punishment. It is protection.
The Cost of “Forcing” Co-Parenting
One of the most overlooked dynamics I see in therapy is the emotional cost of forced co-parenting.Parents may:
Over-function to keep the peace
Suppress their intuition
Normalize disrespect
Feel responsible for “making it work”
Over time, this often leads to:
Burnout
Resentment
Emotional withdrawal
Increased reactivity at home
Children don’t benefit from parents who are technically cooperative but emotionally depleted.
What Children Actually Need
Children don’t require their parents to agree on everything. They need:
Predictability
Emotional availability
Clear roles
Freedom from adult conflict
Permission to love both parents without loyalty binds
From a therapeutic standpoint, one emotionally regulated parent can significantly buffer the effects of high-conflict dynamics. Parallel parenting often supports this regulation better than ongoing negotiation.
A Developmental Truth Many Parents Don’t Hear
Children grow and change. So can parenting models. Parallel parenting is not always permanent. Some families shift toward co-parenting later, when:
Conflict reduces
Boundaries stabilize
Emotional maturity increases
But starting with parallel parenting can prevent years of unnecessary harm. There is no developmental benefit to prolonged exposure to unresolved adult conflict.
Takeaway
Instead of asking:
“Am I doing enough to co-parent?”
I invite parents to ask:
“Is this parenting structure helping my child feel safe, and helping me show up as the parent I want to be?”
That answer is often more honest, and more healing.
Healthy parenting after separation is not about optics, ideals, or external approval. It’s about emotional safety, nervous system regulation, and consistency.
Choosing parallel parenting does not mean you’ve failed. It often means you’ve recognized reality and responded with care.
Children don’t need perfect cooperation.They need stable connection. And sometimes, the most loving thing a parent can do is reduce contact not increase it.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. Her and her team are relationship and relational trauma therapists who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. The team uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help their clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Canada; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; London, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.