Finding Yourself Again: Reclaiming Your Identity After Narcissistic Abuse
I have walked alongside many survivors of narcissistic abuse, and I want to start by saying something you may need to hear: what happened to you was not your fault.
Narcissistic abuse is insidious, confusing, and deeply damaging. It’s often not just the loss of a relationship that hurts—it’s the loss of yourself that can feel most devastating.
You may now be left asking questions like:
● “Who am I without them?”
● “Why didn’t I see the red flags?”
● “Can I ever trust myself again?”
● “What was real and what wasn’t?”
These questions are natural—and they’re also a sign that healing has begun. Regaining your identity and self-trust after narcissistic abuse is possible and it is a powerful and deeply transformative journey. And I do not say transformative lightly.
Here’s how we begin that work, one step at a time.
Step 1: Understand What Happened to You
Before you can rebuild, you need to name what broke you.
Narcissistic abuse often includes gaslighting, manipulation, control, love bombing, devaluation, and a cycle of idealization and rejection. This isn’t just “toxic behavior.” It’s emotional and psychological abuse that targets your sense of reality and self.
I often encourage clients to gently educate themselves about narcissistic dynamics—not to stay stuck in the past, but to validate their experience and begin separating their identity from the distortions the narcissist projected onto them.
Therapeutic tip: Journaling about specific experiences (without judgment) can help you make sense of what happened and start to reclaim your own narrative.
Step 2: Reconnect with the Real You
One of the most heartbreaking consequences of narcissistic abuse is how it disconnects you from yourself. You may have molded your behavior, opinions, and feelings to avoid conflict, gain approval, or keep the peace. Over time, your authentic self was buried.
So how do we start uncovering that person again?
Start small. Begin by asking:
● What do I actually like?
● What do I believe?
● What makes me feel safe or unsafe?
If you don’t know the answers yet, that’s okay. Think of this as building a relationship with yourself from the ground up. The more curious and compassionate you are, the more space your true identity will have to emerge.
Therapeutic tip: Try a “daily self check-in.” Every morning, ask: How do I feel today? What do I need right now? This simple practice helps you rebuild internal connection and agency.
Step 3: Rewrite the Inner Dialogue
Survivors of narcissistic abuse often carry an internal critic that sounds a lot like the abuser. You may hear echoes of:
● “You’re too sensitive.”
● “You’re overreacting.”
● “You’ll never find someone better.”
These aren’t your beliefs—they were planted in you. But over time, they start to feel like your own voice.
Healing means learning to talk to yourself differently.
Therapeutic tip: When you notice critical self-talk, pause and ask: Whose voice is this? Then replace it with a compassionate statement you would say to a friend. For example:
“It’s okay to feel upset. My feelings are valid, and I’m allowed to take up space.”
With repetition, this inner dialogue becomes your new truth—and your new foundation for self-trust.
Step 4: Rebuild Self-Trust Through Small Commitments
After gaslighting and emotional manipulation, it’s common to feel like you can’t trust your own thoughts, feelings, or decisions. But you can rebuild self-trust—and it doesn’t start with huge leaps. It starts with small, daily choices.
Every time you:
● Say no when something doesn’t feel right,
● Listen to your gut instinct,
● Follow through on a boundary or promise to yourself,
…you are rebuilding evidence that you are trustworthy.
Therapeutic tip: Set one small, doable goal each day (like taking a walk, turning off your phone by 9pm, or preparing a meal). Completing these “micro-commitments” helps you reestablish your ability to trust your own intentions and follow-through.
Step 5: Practice Boundaries Without Apology
Boundaries are essential for identity and healing. If you were conditioned to people-please or walk on eggshells, asserting boundaries may feel unfamiliar—or even scary.
But every time you say, “That doesn’t work for me,” you are affirming that you matter.
Therapeutic tip: Start with lower-risk boundaries, like expressing preferences with friends or coworkers. Then gradually move toward more personal ones, like limiting contact with the narcissist or saying no to emotionally draining interactions.
Remember: healthy people will respect your boundaries. If someone pushes back, it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign you’re doing something right.
Step 6: Surround Yourself With Safe Support
One of the most painful aspects of narcissistic abuse is the isolation it creates. Whether through subtle control or overt manipulation, the narcissist likely cut you off from others or made you doubt those who loved you.
Part of healing is reestablishing safe connection—with people who validate your experience, honor your autonomy, and remind you that you are not alone.
Therapeutic tip: This could include a therapist, support group, online communities for survivors, or a close friend who understands trauma dynamics. Be selective. Choose people who feel emotionally safe and who respect your boundaries.
Step 7: Be Patient With the Healing Process
Reclaiming your identity and self-trust isn’t linear. You may feel strong and grounded one day—and full of doubt the next. That’s not failure. That’s healing.
Be patient with yourself.
You are unlearning years—maybe decades—of conditioning. You are reprogramming the way you relate to yourself and others. That’s sacred work. It’s not supposed to happen overnight.
Therapeutic tip: Celebrate progress, not perfection. Even realizing that you’re triggered or falling into old patterns is a sign of growth. Awareness is always the first step to change.
Reflections to Take With You
Healing from narcissistic abuse is more than survival—it’s about reclaiming your life. The fact that you’re reading this means you’ve already taken the first step.
You are not broken. You are not too far gone. You are not the version of yourself the narcissist tried to make you believe.
You are a whole, worthy, resilient human being rediscovering your voice, your truth, and your power.
Keep going. You’re doing the work—and that’s what matters.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. Her and her team are relationship and relational trauma therapists who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. The team uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help their clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.