Can individual therapy help with relationship issues?

Individual relationship counselling

Individual relationship counselling

Ideally, to work on a relationship in therapy, both partner needs to be present. But there are times when your partner does not want to attend therapy for whatever reason they may have. The best alternative is for you to attend therapy alone, resulting in individual relationship counselling.  

One of the hardest things for clients who are attending individual relationship counselling is accepting that they are doing everything the therapist is recommending but their partner who is not attending therapy is still engaging in their old destructive patterns.

It is normal to be thinking how unfair it is. You are spending your time and money for you to learn these skills, but you are not getting the result you would like. You might be thinking that your partner is not willing to work on the relationship, because if they wanted, they would have attended counselling with you or they would at the very least, try to make a change.

You might also start believing that the problems in the relationship is your fault and that’s why your partner does not want to come with you.


Nonetheless, individual relationship counselling can still be beneficial. 

What is individual relationship counselling?

Individual relationship counselling is a form of psychotherapy where one partner attends therapy alone. You will be meeting with the therapist, usually once a week over the next few months. 

The focus of the therapy will be on you, your feelings, and the relationship. You will explore how you are affecting the relationship and how the relationship is affecting you. You will learn skills to improve your relationship by taking the lead. Individual relationship counselling is not a place where you will learn to change your partner. Neither will the therapist tell you what to do in regard to your relationship.

It is a place where the therapist will guide you so you can make confident decisions on what your next steps should be

How can individual therapy help with relationship issues?


  1. Getting to know your boundaries. You will get to know what you can and cannot put up with. By going to therapy, you are making growth. Through your insights and by implementing them, you are improving yourself for your relationship. Change starts from within.  

  2. Helping you become self-aware. By becoming self-aware you are paying attention to your behaviours concerning your core values. You are objectively evaluating yourself and will learn to make effective decisions. By learning about your values, you are standing firm to what you believe in, and it can help you look at the bigger picture. 

  3. Focusing on your behaviours. Again, this aligns with your values. It is possible that even your behaviours or words are not constructive. So how do you want to act and be perceived? How can you change your behaviours/words so you are able to get the result you want? This can help you will feel good about yourself and your relationship.

  4. Reducing psychological distress. In individual therapy, you are your therapist’s focus. Not another person who is not present with you. Your therapist can still help you with your emotions, help you gain clarity of the situation, and overall, feel better.

  5. Effective communication and conflict management skills. You will learn how to communicate your needs effectively and you will learn to listen and understand your partner. You will learn techniques for anticipating and avoiding heated arguments and skills to self-soothes You will know your triggers and learn to make a compromise.



When you think it is unfair and the situation IS unfair (the hard truths):


  1. You cannot control another person’s feelings, actions, and words. But you can control your own. So focus on that.

  2. Communicate with your partner and tell them how you are feeling. Tip: The best time to speak about something that is bothering you is not during the time you are upset. You are more likely to have a constructive discussion when both of you are calm. Try scheduling a time to talk with your partner about the things that are bothering you. This way both of you are not caught off guard by a fight and are more likely to listen to each other.

  3. Therapy is not a place to bash your partner. Often, when talking about a person it is easy to start bashing them. A good therapist will move you away from doing that and instead get you to focus on the dynamics of the relationship. 

  4. Acceptance. Accepting that your relationship is beyond repair. Sometimes, yes. It is unfair. Are you okay with this? I have seen this go both ways. Either the partner who is attending therapy knows they do not deserve this and develop the courage to leave the relationship, or they ignore the conflicts, pretending it is not there, and continue staying in the relationship. This is your decision to make.

  5. Making tough decisions. How will it look like if you stay or leave the relationship? Sometimes we stay in relationships because it is comfortable, and we still love the other person. But as we know, love is not enough. Love is an emotion that like any other emotion, it can change.



Ultimately, your therapist will be there for you along the way. Your therapist will not make decisions for you but will help you see what is destructive and guide you so you can make the best decision for yourself.

While you are making the changes for yourself, you will start to feel better. You will feel more confident, and your perspective of your relationship will change. Your partner may notice that change and is willing to try therapy too.


Resource: One book I often recommend is It Takes One to Tango by Winifred Reilly, MFT.





Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. She is a relationship and relational trauma therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. She uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help her clients.


Thinking of Therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.

For more information reach us at  info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.

Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.

 
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